What I learned in 2017

 

Three months of sabbatical certainly provides plenty of time and space for reflection.  As we approach the end of this year I thought I would share a few things I've learned along the way.  They may not be that deep or meaningful to you, but it's important for me to share them here.

1. God is eager for us to stop, rest and focus on Him

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  James 4:8

It took nearly a month for me to get into a full sabbatical mode.  Eventually I gave myself permission to lay down responsibilities and learn how to say "no".  With this came a wonderful freedom to rest, read and spend time with God.  I normally make a point to spend a few minutes in devotions before starting my day.  Being able to just sit in His presence, not having an agenda or timetable was so freeing, and it became a sacred time.  This often happened in our bedroom, on a bench by the sea or on a walk in the New Forest.   God and I chatted through a lot of things.  And I did a lot of listening.  He seemed eager to spend this precious time with me and revealed a lot to me about His character and my relationship with Him.   

2. Many things are not a quick fix

Over the past few years I have been experiencing some health problems.  For a long time I have just found myself pushing through it to do what I love. But, our bodies have a way of telling us we better stop or else.  So, I was grateful for this time of rest because I had become exhausted beyond words and I needed to focus on getting a diagnosis and treatment.  I thought three months would provide the perfect amount of time to make any adjustments needed, receive treatment and return to life as normal.  Only a few weeks in I learned that I have fibromyalgia.  I have known several people with illnesses like fibromyalgia and M.E. and witnessed as they experienced chronic fatigue, but really never fully understood how deep this goes.  It was a relief to know what I had but in some ways it brought even more confusion and questions.  I should be grateful I do not have a terminal illness.  But, I found the label vague.  

Since then I've been placed in a fibro support group.  I have made necessary changes to my diet and lifestyle.  I have done a lot of research and learned a lot.   One thing I have learned is, apart from a miraculous healing, there is no quick fix.

3. The honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a Hallelujah

Most days I experience inflammation, pain in my joints and connective tissues.  I struggle with insomnia (the inability to wind down and go into sleep mode).  The physical and mental fatigue cannot be explained in words.  It also greatly affects my cognitive skills.   Most people see me on a good day, or when I'm putting on a brave face, but that is usually followed by several days of pain and exhaustion.  It's a difficult thing to help people understand.  I'm finding it hard to understand myself.

This illness has often pressed me up against the wall, forcing me to cry out to God for help, for answers and a positive way forward.   Some will find this hard reading, but for many it will resonate.  I can tell you that in those darkest and most difficult times it is then that I have found Jesus in the most tangible ways I have ever experienced.  It shouldn't be surprising, because what I read of Him is that He is close to the broken hearted and crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He is familiar with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:18).  As we suffer we enter into His sufferings, we come to know Him in a deeper and fuller way (Phil 3:10).

I learned to be honest and real with myself and God.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

4. Resorting to Plan B could be God's Plan A all along

An unexpected illness, a circumstance out of one's control, or a sabbatical can cause you to take stock and make necessary changes.  It can be very difficult, but necessary, and it often feels like you may need to resort to plan B.  But, it could be God's plan A all along.

"When our plans are interrupted, his are not.

His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled,

Moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years

which seem most useless or wasted or endurable)

toward true maturity."

~Elizabeth Elliott

In late November we travelled to Nottingham, where we visited a dear Friends International colleague, Rachel Chard. Over two days I attended training in how to deliver the Al Massira course.  Al Massira means journey.  This course is designed to take the student on a journey through the prophets, revealing the Messiah.  As we watched the DVDs and read through the scriptures I was reminded of Adam and Eve's sin and shame in the garden that separated us from God, of the many burnt sacrifices offered by Noah, Abraham and others, all pointing to the ultimate sacrifice.  In biblical terms, when referring to God's promise to the Jews and the covenant He opened up to all Gentiles, we often refer to the 'old covenant' and 'new covenant'.  Through the course I was reminded and convinced that when the Jews disobeyed God, God did not resort to plan B.  Jesus the Messiah was His ultimate plan A all along.  When Paul preached and wrote about grace through Jesus Christ, he was not bringing a new gospel.  He was bringing the Gospel.  What Paul spoke of was not anything that the prophets had not already told them. (Romans 1:1-7) Okay, you already knew that but it's always good to be reminded.

Time and time again we read of what looks to us like obstacles or hindrances to the spreading of the Gospel.  But, God is sovereign.  Even through Paul's chains, the Gospel was advanced. What a comfort not only in my own personal life, but in a world where men of lies and collusion rise to power.

 

5. God shows up in unexpected places

A few months ago I unexpectedly ran into an acquaintance.  A friend of a friend.  At first I didn't think much about it, but as our friendship developed I realised God had our paths cross again just at the right time.  We seemed to connect and bond without much explanation or back history.  We were both in a place of grief and brokenness.  We were tired of polite chit chat, of pretending everything was okay. We understood each other.  We gave each other permission to be real.  And God met with us in a special way as we prayed for each other in the corner of a busy coffee shop.  

I also felt God near when I looked into the eyes of a refugee child who I have been doing art therapy with.  As we painted a zebra together he began to open up and share with me all that he had seen and witnessed as the only home he knew was destroyed by war and his childhood friends were killed in the street.  Even there I saw reflections of a lonely manger and glimmers of hope and restoration.

God came very near when a friend found the courage to stand before our congregation during worship and spoke about his journey through depression and how His faith in Christ had carried him through.

6. Focus on what He requires

I learned more about what I feel so passionate about and what is important to God.   I've learned to simplify and focus my energy and time on what matters most.  And not to become overly concerned about what people think or with meeting other's expectations.   I believe even more passionately that this Gospel life doesn't have to be either/or when it comes to preaching the Gospel versus social action.  I believe Christ's teachings compel us to both preach and live out the gospel by caring for the most vulnerable in our society.  And what God requires of us is most important.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

7. Let go and Let God

As I took a step back, I marveled as I watched God work. Perhaps this isn't something you should say to someone who finds it hard to be motivated to get off the sofa.  But, for someone who often works beyond her contracted hours and is a bit of a perfectionist, it is Good News.  I was so encouraged to see the ministry I lead at Parkstone International Community grow.  Each team member began to realise his or her own individual potential and the importance of the role they play within the team.  Gateway also became more aware how essential this local ministry is to the global mission we are called to.  God blessed this ministry that is dear to my heart and I watched it grow.

8. Hold to His hand

There are deeper and more intimate conversations between God and I that will be left unwritten.  There are other special moments I will always treasure.   Thank you for supporting me and following me on this part of my journey.  My prayer is that as we take a step into the foggy unknown of 2018 that we will hold tightly onto the hand of He who holds the future and wants only the very best for us.